How To Communicate Effectively For Superior Results
Effective communication is the major secret to getting your needs met. For effective communication to occur, you must be able to make your statement clearly, and someone has to listen and understand it. Although it is not possible to control how people will listen, you can certainly control how well your message is delivered. This may sound simple, but many people get into difficulties by using a poor style of communication.
There are four styles of communication:
- Aggressive
- Passive
- Passive-aggressive
- Assertive
The passive style, on the other hand, rarely achieves the desired end. Some people are unable to, or choose not to, express their needs openly and clearly. Some would rather acquiesce and agree with everything, than risk rocking the boat. With such ineffective communication there is little chance that their needs will be met. This frequently leads to feelings of low self-esteem and of being neglected and ignored.
Communicating in the passive-aggressive style is indirect communication. Such people hint at what they want, without stating their needs directly. Those they are communicating with are expected to anticipate the real meaning of the message through inference. They assume that you know their needs, that you are a mind reader, and they think it beneath them to have to express what they want. The desired action is not clearly stated. Some examples of this style are:
- the silent treatment
- pouting
- sarcasm
- making faces
- rolling the eyes.
If it was obvious the question wouldn't have been asked, so no one is the wiser. People are expected to read these indirect messages clearly. Since few people are mind readers, this doesn't work very well.
The assertive mode is the most effective means of communication. Here, the speaker possesses the ability to clearly state the message, without ambiguity and without trangressing on others' rights. It involves the ability to communicate one's beliefs, needs and wishes together with the ability to disagree in a way that respects the rights of others. This technique of expressing ones ideas in a direct, assertive manner can build self-esteem and respect, and make relationships more productive and less volatile. How is this done?
Be specific, direct and honest when communicationg. If a problem is being discussed, state and define the problem clearly: do not avoid the issue. Where possible, provide examples illustrating the point being made. Do not allow your emotions to control communication. When this occurs, the emotions can come to the fore and the intended message will be lost.
A formula that has been around for a while, and that can help send a clear message, is:
"When you__________. I feel ___________, and I want/need you to ____________."
An example with the blanks filled in would be:
"When you...get home from work you go straight to the computer, I feel...neglected and taken for granted. I'd would love you to...say hi and perhaps give me a hug before you settle down."
Here, the specific action causing concern is unambiguously stated, the emotion and feeling is declared and identified, and the corrective action desired is requested. Basically, one's needs are clearly presented for consideration. This doesn't mean that they will necessarily be met, but they have been stated in a clear, concise and non-threatening way.
An assertive communication style such as this will result in a significantly greater chance that the requirements will be met. You are now relying on the other party to act on the information provided, or not, as the case may be, but you have stated your case, provided the reasons for it and solutions acceptable to you. You have done all you need do to maximize the chances for your message to be ccorrectly understood and considered.