Don't Divorce Your Children
Divorce is a very emotional time for families, and ranks as one of the most stressful experiences which can occur in life.
It is not only the adults who experience this stress, but also any children involved. The children often suffer greatly. Although it is generally not possible to eliminate this suffering, the parents can do a lot to reduce it to a minimum. A certain amount of grief at the 'death' of their parents' marriage should be expected, but while the parents are going through the frequently acrmonious legal wrangling they should remember the needs of their children and put them first. It is not the child's fault that the parents no longer get on.
Making an effort to cooperate in getting the sorry business over as quickly (and silently) as possible will help to protect the children's emotional health by maintaining their sense of security and their need for unconditional love. The breakdown of a marriage is difficult for everyone, but children can especially be afffected. There are many ways in which loving, responsible parents are able to cooperate for the benefit of their children. Parental responsibilities do not end just because a marriage has ended.
It is generally accepted that, where a child has been used to having both parents regularly around them, lasting relationships with both are necessary for a child's development. Joint custody is frequently granted for this very reason. Ideally, the divorce should proceed in a business-like manner with cooperation between both parents for the sake of the children, rather than as an acrimonious dogfight. Any hostility should be kept from the children and the child should not hear negative statements about either parent.
When divorcing parents have to discuss the children, the discussion should be held in a neutral environment, away from the children. Issues such as education, religion, medical and moral issues and other aspects of upbringing which affect the well being of the children should be discussed by both parents. If emotions prevent this being done calmly, there are counsellors available in the community to help facilitate these meetings. It can be very traumatic for children to hear their parents arguing about them. It makes them feel guilty and responsible for the break-up, and many children cannot handle this thought.
Children going through the divorce of their parents frequently have many worries and questions they want answered. They need to be told that it is not their fault that mummy and daddy cannot live with each other again. Parents have to be mature enough to put their own issues aside and help their children come to terms with the situation which, up till now, has probably been the most traumatic of their lives.
As children mature, their questions will change, and the divorce for the parents is never really over. A commitment to open communication with the children often helps the parents themselves come to terms with what has happened.
Parents should always keep in mind that it is each other they are divorcing. A child needs love, not acrimony. Do not divorce your children!